Black Dirt Will Stain Your Feet

I think about changing myself to be more like this person or more like that person. I try to imitate people I see or people I admire. I try, but I don't seem to be very good at it. I don't know if it's because I'm trying to be someone I'm not or because I'm just not trying hard enough.

I started to work on this painting again. It's in its early stages; which is why it looks so messy and... awful. I'm just having a huge creative block. I can't seem to draw or paint anything right. Today my boyfriend asked to look at my art. I was surprised, but completely delighted. We are getting along better now. My mom says I'm in love.

I guess I am.

My Favourite Plaid Shirt

I've decided that I'm going to try something new for my blog - posting outfits. I have a real love for fashion and this'll be good, because I've got to remember to keep posting pictures on here. Y'know, so you don't fall asleep reading my long, wordy posts (if anyone even reads those).

This is my favourite plaid shirt. I've gone through quite a bit of plaid (it's everywhere, I can't avoid it!), but this one is by far the best one I've ever bought. It's super comfy and flattering, and the fabric is light and soft.

Sidenote: Please ignore the messy hair. I just jumped out of the shower and these pictures were taken early morning in my not so pretty state. :)

I guess it's not secret; I tend to wear a lot of black, red and grey *laughs*. Black is probably the most dominant colour in my wardrobe. The reason being because for the longest time, I was simply afraid of colour. In my awkward growing up stage, I didn't understand how to put colours together to make them look appealing. I'm starting to stray away from it, buying more brightly coloured clothing, but I've still got a sweet spot for black's, grey's and red's.

Anywho, there's an interesting story behind the ring. You may have guessed it already, but it's a actually made out of a fork! Amazing, right? I was in New York City in October 2008 for a field trip with my art class. I was on my way to The Metropolitan Museum of Art, passing by various vendors when I came upon this little treasure. A man named Matthew Bartik had a whole table filled with neat items, jewellery and sculptures, all bent out of forks and/or spoons. I chatted with him briefly and probably stood in front of the table for a good 20 minutes admiring all his beautiful works. They are truly wonderful and unique.

o u t f i t

red plaid long sleeved shirt: Urban Planet

black belt: Urban Planet

black leggings: Express

black suede boots: Spring

a c c e s s o r i e s

silver chain necklace: Ardene

silver fork ring: NYC Street Vendor

black knit hat: H&M

I Know It's A Lie, But I Want It To Be True

There are so many things that I'm struggling with. What makes it all worse is that these wispy half-truths have no home. No place here. I've stopped drawing. I've stopped making an effort in all the activities and opportunities presented to me. Most dominant emotions are just despair, anxiety and frustration.
Maybe I'll tell you about it sometime.

I've Been Sitting And Thinking About Love

Damn it all to hell. I am such a nosy person sometimes.

Years later I realize this and I've got a better control of my word vomit, but still. I always want to get involved into other people's affairs when I know I should keep my mouth shut. 'I'm not in the situation, I am not apart of it,' I try and tell myself over and over. I guess I just feel stupid because every person out there having an awful day or a problem I just want to care so much for them and make them happy. But I'm not responsible for them, and I should kick the habit of feeling like I am.

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I remember the nights where all I'd do was smoke excessively and drink despite knowing I would regret it the next day; kicking rocks and squeezing dirt between my fingers while sitting on the curb. Or in the car, completely high. My life is pretty tame now, I watch movies in bed and draw pictures like I'm supposed to. Still, I miss it every now and then. For the longest time I had this locked down hesitant inner wild child, ready to kick out. I was only testing the waters before I was pulled away. Sometimes I just want to dive in again. Be a little crazy (but I don't think Sean would want that).

I've lost some friends and drifted away from others. I've grown closer to Sean but we still are trying to smooth out the tiny creases, little remnants of problems that poke out here and there. Emotionally, I had a very tough week. Probably the only week that I cried most nights. That hasn't happened to me for awhile. You know, since I was anorexic or cutting or moaning about something wrong I had did.

Mistakes I had made.

Things get taken away from you, but also sometimes you're the one pushing them away. Why do I always feel like running back when someone else snatches them up? I'm totally selfish that way.

Relationships are a funny thing you know. They stall some times and can be pretty awful other times. But then they can be great, just amazingly fabulous - which it makes it all worth it in the end. I told Sean recently that I'm a commitment snob. I get attached really quickly. I also have a tendency to drag things out and look at any boy like they'll marry me tomorrow - but that's because I'm a hopeless romantic. Waiting for my fairytale to begin and end happily and peacefully. It's a little stupid. I'm only 18 years old for crying out loud. I shouldn't be thinking about all that stuff until another good chunk of years.

I've had a lot of time to sit and contemplate lately. I guess I just leave you with my thoughts today and nothing more.

Early Birthday Gifts

The Hogans' decided to buy me some presents for my birthday. They gave them to me ahead of time because my birthday is in the middle of the week and I usually only see them on weekends. They are so sweet and I am so grateful for them.

So, his name is Slow. Pretty awesome, eh?
Slow and I get along great as you can tell.
They also got me a movie pass! I haven't gone to the movies in such a long time; I'm going to save this for a movie I really, really want to see.
And finally, Sean got me The Office: Season 5. Lately I've been addicted to it so Sean went out and bought it for me! I haven't started watching it yet, but I'll probably pop it into the DVD player tonight.
P.S - For those of you who don't know, my birthday is on November 10th and I'm turning 18 years old. :)

Little Updates Of My Life

So I haven't been totally honest with you guys lately; I'm sorry. But yes, I recently got a new 15.4 inch MacBook Pro! I've been a Windows user all my life and consider myself to be fairly familiar with it - I even have Windows XP on my Macbook.

I decided I wanted to try out a Macbook though, thought it'd be more useful for me because I'm going to pursue a career as a creative powerhouse. Other than a minor warping of the lid (which is purely cosmetic and common, barely noticeable, maybe like 1-2mm or so), I've had no problems with it whatsoever so far. I've got to go out and buy some laptop accessories for it though. I've been eyeing the black Incase Nylon Sleeve and hopefully after I've saved up some money (along for the 3029754930 other things I want) I'll be able to buy it.

I also got a job at Zellers recently. I'm working as a Sales Associate, not quite sure which department I'll be in though yet. I had my orientation and my cash training today and tomorrow I'm going to hop on a register and do some actual transactions (apparently almost everyone is cash trained). I've got some cash experience from Michael's Arts & Crafts (my previous employer), so I'm not really nervous. The machines are really similar, so it makes it much easier. One of my main priorities at Zellers though is to promote HBC Credit, which is something I've never done but I've been studying, and reluctantly enough even practising it in my head.

It's really nice to work during the day. The store is usually empty, people are usually not in a rush because the stores are closing and customers are generally really patient and nice. My employees and supervisors are great people too. I'm having a much more positive experience so far at Zellers than I did at Michael's Arts & Crafts when I first started out.

Halloween cont'd.

This year for Halloween I was a witch. I assembled my costume a little last minute (the day before) but it turned out great. I bought a hat from Party Packagers, a dress with a tulle trim and I grabbed an old pair of tights and ripped and stretched them out. I'll probably wear the same thing the next year and the years to follow because I really liked how it turned out.

This year I handed out candy to cute trick or treaters, and also went trick or treating myself for a little bit. It was a little embarrassing because I'm kind of old to be trick of treating, but I scored some candy and killed some time before getting picked up to go to a Halloween party.