You told me so many important things when I broke it all down. You told me never to change who I am because you liked me how I was. You told me you never wanted to hear me say "I don't think I'm good enough for you." You just said don't.
You said you'd be loyal to me because I stuck with you through the worst. That the worst was over and I was the one to thank for that. That all you'd ever wanted was someone and this whole time, the one person you were waiting for was me. And it's funny because I don't feel like I was doing anything different. I really was just being true to what I believed in, despite the fact that everyone around me disagreed.
When it comes to people, I am easy and forgiving. I just ask myself why, and it all seems to unfold. It's not right to trick and twist peoples' emotions and abuse others, it never is. But I've been that person. And I wanted so badly for someone to give me a chance. Because I knew I wasn't bad, I knew I just needed a hand, and I knew that I needed someone to understand that.
I was in a long term relationship for over a year, and in a year like that you learn a lot. You learn what you can tolerate and can't tolerate, and also what behaviours of yours are intolerable. I look back and guiltily remember myself as being completely insufferable. I don't know why I did the things I did. I was at war with myself, and it transferred into a war between a loved one. And then he broke, and I was left to pick myself up.
I can be temperamental and unreasonably stubborn. I blame others, then I blame myself - in that order. I don't know how to stop it. I really wish I could just stop it.
But it feels better though, this time it feels right. I've held no grudges, and will continue not to. I feel like I can finally breathe.
And you know what? Everything feels so much clearer.
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