It's Better To Burn Out, Than To Fade Away

This morning I woke up feeling refreshed. New. I hadn't slept properly in over a month. I'd go to bed early only to stay up late lost in thoughts that would never get me anywhere. I would wake up in the middle of the night, still drunk, and still wondering. It was like I couldn't sleep because I had to be awake. My brain was still functioning even though my body wanted nothing of it. I felt like I was torturing myself.

But today felt different.

Here is what I've learned: there is no use worrying about things that you have no control over. I have also learned to become more in tune with my own feelings and the feelings of others, and because of this I am very deep when it comes to understanding situations.

I told myself I would never stop caring for people. I was afraid that if I became apathetic towards everything than I would lose my sensitivity to people. Thankfully, I have not changed, and will continue to hold this true to myself for as long as I can.

There is no one to blame, there is no resentment, and there is no remorse. Which is honestly surprising me more than anyone else. I thought I was in denial, but I know that if I was, I would have become weak and broke down by now.

In 48 hours I biked from Newmarket to Holland Landing on a broken bicycle, gears not shifting and tires flat. My Dad was at the hospital sick. My relationship with my boyfriend ended. I spent the night in Mt. Albert trying to put together all the pieces. Drove to Mississauga to see a friend and wasn't home until 4am. Went to work that morning. Helped my friend move back to Bradford.

I only slept 5 hours, but I had felt like I had just escaped - released from the constrains of something that I knew for the longest time wasn't right.

So I let myself be free.

The last string is this pile of belongings that are not mine, resting on my desk waiting to be given back. And once those are returned it'll be time to move forward, on my own.

I'll be getting my first tattoo this weekend.