Wisdom, Where Can I Get Some?

Lately I've been feeling so restless because I've just been so confused. A lot of nights I go to bed and think about holding on so dearly to everything, all that we had and all the memories. Flipping through everything in my head brings a smile to my face, all the fun times that we have and all the reasons that I love you.

And then some nights I have to stop myself and remember to myself very importantly, "he's gone and he's never coming back." I should be smart enough to let go of us. We ended up broken for a reason, and there's no going back to what we had before.

Sometimes I get so angry with myself because I think I could have saved us. I could have fixed us somehow. Sometimes I get angry at you because I feel like you didn't even try and save us. Like what we had just wasn't worth your time anymore.

I want to know why people wake up and one day feel different. Where does it all go? What changes? How do I change it back?

This break up is changing me in ways I don't want it to. It's stripping me and forcing me to stand naked in front of all my flaws and insecurities. I want to transform myself into another person, someone more confident and resilient. I'm trying to go out and have fun but I don't remember any of the faces or the names of the boys I've kissed, and I still feel empty and alone.

It would be easier if you hated me and we weren't friends. Because then I could hate you too, and I could blame you for breaking us and just tell myself that men are jerks. I still care about you and even though you don't reveal anything about yourself to me, I know you still care too.

But tonight was a game changer. I had felt unsettled all day and I needed to talk to someone so badly, so I ventured out all the way to your house. There was so much I wanted to talk about but every single time I said something and you said something back, I felt like we weren't even on the same page. We weren't connecting, and maybe we never did in the way that we should have. You could never be there for me in the way that I needed you to be.

Tonight I showed you I was still vulnerable, and I left feeling even more so. I sat down on the steps by the side of your house and cried so hard because of this realization. I had no way to get home so I called a friend to pick me up on the street corner, the exact place where I had gotten picked up two months ago. It was dark out and there were no street lights and the cars were passing by me so quickly. I was walking with my keys in my hand, my head constantly looking over my shoulder, feeling broken again for the second time.

And I got angry thinking about how it was my fault too. How when you had made your decision I didn't fight for you. I should have fought for you. Instead I resigned and let you go. Partially because I never fought with you against any of your decisions; partially because I wanted to let you go too. Now I'm wondering why I ever thought that.

I'm so stupid because I should have realized it was all enough. We're both so stupid because we should have realized it. And we didn't. And we let each other walk away, and now it's too late.

Tomorrow is Halloween, and it would have been our one year. And if I see you, I'll have to swallow everything. I guess it's about time I start.